Coping with Grief During the Holiday Season

For many people this is a time of year where we orient our thoughts on the things that matter most. It is a time of togetherness, family and friends, and the sharing and making of good memories and traditions. One of Christmas’ highlights is bringing us closer to those people who are most important in our lives.

It is amazing how this wonderful season can dramatically change when we experience loss. The entire holiday can shift to make us painfully aware of absences within our family and friend circles. The emphasis on togetherness can heighten and renew the grief of loved ones who have departed, and will no longer join the holiday. It can make the holiday season, which should be happy and hopeful, an extremely difficult time. Perhaps you have experienced this yourself, or perhaps not, but it is more than likely that someone you know has struggled during this time of year because of loss.

As I share my personal story of Christmas coloured by loss, and some helpful steps to cope with grief, it is my hope that this article may help those who also struggle, and provide insight to others.

A few years ago, Christmas was a wonderful season for me, full of joy and family and loved ones. Christmas at our house used to be a time of great excitement. We’d put up the tree, crank up the holiday music and decorate the house at least a month in advance all in anticipation of the big day.

In May of 2010, tragedy struck our family. We suddenly and unexpectedly lost the pillar of our family, my father in-law. As the months led up to Christmas, the grief heightened almost to the point of despair. How could we cope through a time of celebration and holiday traditions when we just needed time to grieve? As the first Christmas approached without him, I didn’t have the energy or the desire to shop, to decorate or to be around others. On December 20th we hopped a flight to Las Vegas where we spent a week in the neon lights, hiding from friends, family and any forms of holiday traditions. The trip proved to be bittersweet. While we had a great time seeing and experiencing new things, we came home feeling exhausted and guilty about having a good time away from Christmas.

In the spring of 2011 I decided I needed help, as I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. My husband and I were barely speaking to each other and my happy spirit had turned sullen. I soon joined a grief counselling group. After several months of counselling, I could feel the fog of grief lifting and I started to forgive myself for all the things I didn’t say or do. That December, instead of running away from the holiday season, I learned that we could cope with Christmas by starting new traditions, giving to others and leaning on friends for support. Christmas didn’t have to be avoided, nor so painful.

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I’d like to share with you some Do’s and Don’ts I learned on my journey of grief and healing. To anyone who struggles in this time of year, I hope this will help you cope with grief you may be experiencing during the Holidays.

 

Do acknowledge that the holidays will be difficult. The first step in coping with grief at the holidays is to acknowledge that the first holiday without your loved one will be difficult. Prepare for the holidays in advance by making specific plans. Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Some holiday traditions can be painful and now is the time to decide if you want to stick to old traditions or create new ones. Some people find comfort in the old traditions while others find them unbearably painful.

Do discuss with your family the activities you want to include or exclude this year. Remember, that sometimes anticipation of a holiday can be more difficult than the day itself.

Don’t isolate yourself. Even though it may seem tempting, avoid “canceling” the holidays. It is OK to avoid some situations that you don’t feel ready to handle, but don’t isolate yourself. Allow yourself some time for solitude, remembering and grieving, but balance it with planned activities with others.

Do set realistic expectations for yourself. Remind yourself that this year is different than in previous years. Decide if you can still handle the responsibilities and traditions you’ve had in the past. Examine the tasks of celebrating and ask yourself if you want to continue them. Take others up on offers to cook shop and decorate, and consider shopping by internet this year.

Do take care of yourself. Get enough rest, grieving is physically and mentally exhausting. Allow for some down time in this hectic season. Do pace yourself and allow others to help. Avoid using alcohol to self-medicate. Physical exercise is often an antidote for depression. Writing in a journal can be a good outlet for your feelings. Buy something for yourself that you’ve always wanted but never allowed yourself to indulge in.

Don’t feel guilty about experiencing joy or having fun. Having fun honors your love one. If fun happens, let it. Even while grieving, it’s okay to open yourself to small glimmers of joy and pleasure. Experiencing joy and laughter does not mean you have forgotten your loved one.

Do something for others. Draw comfort from doing for others: volunteer at a soup kitchen, collect items for a shelter, provide help for a needy family or offer to volunteer in a hospital on the holiday. Consider giving a donation or gift in memory of you loved one.

Don’t hide your feelings. Honor your relationship with your loved one. Your feelings reflect this relationship and hiding them can make the loss feel even greater. Allow yourself to feel joy, sadness, anger and pain – allow yourself time to grieve. It is important to recognize that every family member has his/her own unique grief experience and may have different needs related to celebrating the holidays.

Don’t be afraid to reminisce. Talking about the good times in the past and sharing memories is one of the best ways to honor your loved one’s presence in your life even as you move on physically without them. Encourage others around you to reminisce too: “I miss Dad, remember how he used to…..” Allow yourself to cry. It is healthy and natural.

 

And finally,

Do consider getting some support. You are not are protecting your family and friends by not expressing your sadness. Find and talk to others who have lost a loved one. If you’re a Challenger employee, LifeWorks is offered to you as part of Challenger’s benefit package and is available 365 days a year. LifeWorks is a confidential service, no one can find out that you used the service or any information you provide without your consent. Take the next step and call the toll free number anytime at 1-866-331-6851 or visit LifeWorks.com to speak with a consultant for advice or to request support or counselling services.

Shiloh Schmidt
Corporate Health and Safety